Thursday, August 13, 2009

Weirdness in my head...

I feel like I have been unhealthy of late.


I've been getting light-headed, almost intoxicated it seems at times. Times in the middle of the day when I've had nothing to make me feel that way.

Stop being so fucking dramatic

Little white floaters appear in my vision, on the periphery and sometimes even just before my eyes, hiding in the lower layers of the vision system that shows me the world.

Oh here we go...

Now I ask you, what the hell does all this mean?

Unfortunately I keep thinking I have a tumor.

Like I said drama, drama, drama

Basically this is probably an embarrassing case of child-like monkey see, monkey do. Ever since I watched Six Feet Under last year Nate's AVM has stayed in my head and I'm sure it's just fucking with me now. There's a part of us that always wants to believe that something terrible is going to happen to us. It's the same part that gets yelled at in 5th grade and thinks 'If I killed myself that would show them' and then ignorantly imagines the smirk on your face while you watch the people who have 'wronged you' suffer with regret at your casket-side. Except of course most of us realize really quickly just how stupid this scenario is. But maybe that 'terrible thing' radar hangs around in other capacities. Imagining terrible fates is one way to bolster your defenses against the world outside. It's self-centered and egotistical and just plain ridiculous I know, but in reality so is life; your life, my life, everybody's individual life because guess what? When you boil it down life is self-centered and egotistical. If it wasn't we wouldn't have a name for the not-so-abstract concept of the ego. Like Donnie Darko had to find out the hard way and Richard Ashcroft put perfectly into words:

"You come in on your own and you leave on your own,
Forget the lovers you've known and your friends on the road.
You come in on your own and you leave on your own,
Forget the lovers you've known and your friends you have told."


Okay, enough morbidity for now, my mind is racing all over the place because the light outside is just right and there's that ozone-like smell in the air - yep folks, it might just rain tonight in the Southbay (yeah right, but I can dream). Anyway, see that other voice is always so right. I get on these self-obsessed trips and then they pass. But I have been feeling a little wonky right now and as such what I decided to do as of yesterday is, if I can ever finish re-writing this one small (~140 pages) section of the book that I just finished writing (finished, ie: got to the end) then I am going to start a book about a guy with a tumor. Only he is going to be able to talk to and derive odd abilities (or is that just his mind playing tricks on him) from said Tumor.

I think the tumor's name is going to be Jim.

I figure by recording this here, if I either A) develop odd power or B) develop a tumor it will be recorded here.

1 comment:

Missi Schmid said...

I think "Bob" would be an excellent name for a tumor! That...or Floyd!