Monday, May 26, 2008

What is it about retail that makes people act like such fucking assholes?

I mean, really, you go into a store to buy things. This isn’t Marrakech circa 1955, is it? No, this is modern day, consumer-driven America. EVERYBODY knows how this works, its pretty simple and the mores and patterns have been engrained in most of us (unless maybe you’re the douche bag INTO THE WILD is about) from the earliest days, so what gives? If an item is marked $9.99, guess what? THE ITEM COSTS $9.99 + TAX, how hard is that?

Here’s some of what I’ve been getting working in retail.

“Excuse me, this is the only copy of this on the shelf. Its marked $4.99 but I’d like a discount.” – this dickhead clearly doesn’t understand capitalism (not that I’m supporting it, in the long run we’re just now starting to see how shitty that works). IF IT’S THE LAST COPY OF SOMETHING, IN A SUPPLY AND DEMAND ECONOMY, IT IS MORE LIKELY TO BE SOLD FOR MORE THAN LESS. Example anyone in the U.S. should be able to understand right now: less oil to go around, the higher the price of gasoline is.

“I dropped this item on my finger, I’d like a discount,” – A discount? On what? The item? Because you dropped it on your finger? No, no, no my friend. For this we could work to get you a discount on sterilization, but not on the item. If you can’t handle products while shopping, don’t fucking touch them.

“The price tag says $19.99 so why is it ringing up $21.95?” – how long have you lived in the states? Seriously, if you were from Honduras maybe I’d understand, but I can tell by your bottled tan, coach purse and Christian Dior jodpurs that you’ve lived here all your life, so what gives? If you’ve never paid sales tax before either your butler just died at age 95 or you’d better get the hell out of the country quick before the IRS opens up a can of AUDIT SAUCE on your Beverly Hills ass.

And my favorite working in a bookstore:

“Excuse me, where are your non-fiction books?” – Well, hmmm, let me see now. Other than FICTION and SCIENCE FICTION, MYSTERY and ROMANCE, the funny thing is THE ENTIRE STORE IS NON-FICTION. When was the last time you saw a fictionalized cooking book? How about health? Okay, with the influx of everybody and their mother writing health books, I guess maybe this crosses that line, but seriously. Self Help? Psychology? History, for fuck’s sake? Come on people, if you need that much help you probably shouldn’t be leaving the house. Might lock yourself in the car.


Missi Schmid said...

Discount on sterilization? Sounds like a plan to me! My customers want to know when we're going to start giving away "free samples"?! & then I'm supposed to laugh, like they're the 1st tater tot to come up with that one!

D said...

Fuck the discount, force feed it to them in their Starbucks. Don't get me wrong tasty coffee/sugar treats are good but I don't want kids and these people shouldn't be aloud to breed.

Big In Day-town said...

Bwah ha ha! Or my personal fave: The asshole who orders a large pizza, eats it all, then says he won't pay for it because he ordered a medium. I'm with Darren on this one.

Sara said...

Well, not to rain on everyone's parade, but there are some states where there isn't sales tax. (Covers head and runs away.)

The rest, yeah, it floors me that people ask for discounts at retail stores. Um, hello?